Outspoken Intense by Fergie

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived Bipolar Person with Brain Fog & OCD.

Thoughts of the morning courtesy of Katie and her cramped cranium:

Cereal milk is gross. It has a positively rancid aftertaste. My brothers decided I was adopted upon hearing this from me. My oldest was going to start a company bottling it. But, he learned the hard way not to speak aloud of such thing……. not exactly Baadar Meinhoff, but more like.. I can’t remember the name of that phenomenon when people have the same thought at the same time across the globe from one another.. ohh poo.. Keith will know, but he’s irritated with me because I got irritated with him for getting irritated that I interrupted him for interrupting me.

OCD sucks.

Its fun eating cereal with Avery. (Different bowls of course because milk sours if someone else’s mouth touches it. *vurp*) We played fish the last few out of Mommy’s bowl, though and he giggled at how I tipped the bowl up for him to sip from. *melt* <3 With spooning him sips of milk, it had to be 1, 2, 1/2 so as not to land on 3.

And yes, I do have to step on cracks in the same spot on both feet. Hell, I have to touch the same spot on each side of each finger and end up doing it 7, 14, 21, 28, 32, 36, 37, 42, 51, 53 or 63 times before it feels even. I’m still at a loss as to why a 6 appeared within my numbers. Why 36? Not only does 36 have a six in it, but if you divide 36 in half, you get 18 which is divisible by 6 to come down to 6 which can be divided in half to get a 3. I hate 6 and I hate 3. I don’t know why, but I do. Right now my right thumbnail is shorter than the left, so texting really unnerves me because the pads of my thumbs don’t touch the same. I try to do it at the same time and, inevitably, one side of the key goes down quicker leaving the other extremely unsatisfied, so I have to use it to press more keys than the other, but it never evens up. A thought occurs to me.. why not trim the left? Oh, yeah.. because my mind goes on a trip and I forget.

Told ya OCD sucks. So do racing thoughts and brain fog. I’m one confused cookie. I’m considering keeping a journal to turn into a book. How frustrating to read would THAT be?

Now you understand last night’s rant about being made to feel stupid. Its insecurity. I used to be able to hold my own in a conversation of pretty much any sort. Now..? I won’t even discuss my beliefs with people because when I try to witness, not only can’t I remember the verse (which isn’t SO bad), but I forget what I’m talking about several times and end up confusing people which in turn makes me feel like a giant stumbling block. So, when up against a person with a genius level IQ, I only half understand part of what they say and end up feeling like a retarded person. Not that it excuses all the other times said person purposely makes me feel inferior, but a lot of times I’m just sensitive about it because I’m dumbed down by the way my brain has become a shredded pile of mouse eaten swiss that’s been left to sit out and soften. I don’t know how often I hear, “What the hell are you talking about??” I wish I knew how to reply.

I used to backspace when my texts, posts or whatever got too revealing of my insanity, but now I just figure I am what I am. . . Sometimes I will pour over just one part of a run-on sentence for 20 minutes because its never just right. When I accidentally erase too much after having kept the original next to the attempts at a second draft, I realize it was fine to begin with, but can’t recall how I had stated it initially.

I also continually forget the most important thing amidst the jumbled thoughts in my brain and get so frustrated and flustered that I have to bag the whole thing after coming back to it 27 times. Then, several nights later, I’ll just be sitting there or even sleeping and pop up yelling “blah blah blah” (whatever it was). But, by then, anyone I had mentioned it to doesn’t remember what we had discussed and I feel so defeated because I finally completed the puzzle and it matters not.

Now you all know just how crazy Katie can cycle.. c’mon, were there really any doubts?

I am not editing this because scrolling up induces another thought or a way to elaborate on an already stated though because I never feel like I’ve explained it just right. So, if there are typos or whatever, I’m sorry.

I should just call this Letter to My Therapist.

0.o

Its Been a While..

There is a certain shade of night sky that Birch trees look amazing set against.. one shade darker just gives the scene a certain creepiness. In curves of the trees where the bark hasn’t peeled so much, they’re a little more visible and it brings out an eerie quality. I never much cared for being in a dimly lit spot that doesn’t extend further out than my immediate area while there are several directions of darkness surrounding. I don’t like dim light at all, actually. Put me in the sunshine or a large room with several 100 watt daylight bulbs and I’m much happier.

Man.. I was thriving this past Summer. I really need a happy pill that diminishes pain and stiffness to take during the dark months. I hate that I fell off like this. BUT, I’m getting back to it. I am hoping to shed the few holiday pounds that came for a visit and then some by the time my party rolls around. Hopefully 10lbs or better will be gone. I don’t think I’ve gained THAT much.. (I’m not about to get on a scale willingly for at least a week) ..so, God willin’ & the creek don’t rise, I’ll be looking good (well.. better, anyway..) in a couple weeks.

I plan to start with my usual 1-2 day water fast then cut way back on soda (deprivation doesn’t work.. I partook of whatever I wanted during the 7 months I lost those 82lbs in.. so long as I was willing to go the extra mile to burn it off.), drink my weight in water and get back to my workouts. Everything was tightening up nicely when I kept to my Triple-A, so I’ll be hitting that hard. I may not be able to do a whole lot of walking because of the weather, but I’ll try. On rainy days, I’ll substitute with Wii Step for 1-2hrs. (I <3 the platform hubby made for the Fit board.. its double the height and a MUCH better workout!)

Well, here I am yammering on.. I got all the dishes done and switched the laundry. I really am glad to be going home. I miss my cats. Dad was there and I visited them several times in the last 12 days, of course, and Keith was there frequently. Its not just that.. this wasn’t a vacation at all. I would never housesit with a 3.5y/o & 20m/o again. Nothing is safe. It’ll be nice to be home where things are set up for their safety and my sanity. I’m not saying it wasn’t fun or nice.. it was.. it was just a lot more work, too.

Welp.. back to work. I’d have more accomplished except Avery woke up and has been in a piss-poor mood. He’s clingy, which I don’t mind except that it keeps me from what I’m trying to do. Its the uber-sensitive, scream/cry/whine business. Usually when he wakes like this, he’s snuggly sweet and just a bit moody, so I shouldn’t complain. Its just the time table allowed for getting everything done before we go back home. For the last week, he’s been waking up 2 hours after he goes to bed and staying up til 4-5am when I finally snuggle him tight while he cries it out. I try several times in between, but its just a never ending screamfest. Its a phase.. I just hope it passes quickly because I’ve finally got Kenneth on a good schedule and I would like us all to be.

Aww.. he’s snuggling me now. He’s playing with a toy; trying to keep himself busy in order to stay awake. He’s making me really sleepy now. That’s not hard considering I’ve been awake for over 28 hours. I’m going to make him a bottle and put us both to bed. Kenneth will be awake in 2-3 hours – 5 if we’re lottery-winning-lucky. Ha. LOL! I just asked if he’d go upstairs to get his bottle so I could wash it and make him a baba and he said “nyah” and was heading up when I stupidly said we could snuggle down. Re-re = Me. “NnnYO!” So, ya know what? Eff it. I’m taking the formula up with me and making the bottle upstairs. I’m super sleepy and my body is exhausted. Plus, I’m too decrepit, after throwing out both hips this afternoon, to go up, down and up again.

I’m just glad the experience over the last few days has ended. Withdrawal is NO FUN! I plan NEVER to run out of Adderall again. First day, extra tired, 2nd day more tired still along with constantly feeling like I could eat a horse and cycling between burning hot and freezing cold. 3rd day woke amidst horrid anxiety after sleeping 10 hours, which is when I realized the situation I was in. 4+ days w/o it. Damn holidays. Damn doctor. Damn me! I’ll be on top of it from now on, that’s for dang sure!

Goodnight.

Vanilla Extract, Vanilla Sugar, Vanilla Cinnamint Hot Cocoa.. Vanilla, Vanilla, VANILLA! :)

I am slow simmering vanilla beans in a small amount ofen water; adding little bits as necessary to extract as much flavor as possible for my homemade cocoa (recipe below). The beans were already used in my vanilla extract and aren’t as potent, but I used some of the extract, too. I also poured my extract into another container to get at the yummy chunky goodness and tossed that on the boil, too, before funneling the extract back in it’s bottle.

SUPER EXCITED because my fresh beans shipped out yesterday! I got a 30 pack of variety: 10 grade A gourmet (baking/cooking) Madagascars, 10 grade B (extract quality) Madagascars and 10 Tahitians. I’ve never tried Tahitians before and they’re supposed to be way different, so I’m excited. I will probably use those in my rum extract, malibu rum extract and possibly some in part of the coconut extract I plan to make from a fresh coconut. PLUS they send 10 free beans! I believe the price I spent qualified me for high grade Tahitians, but I’m not sure.

I also made vanilla sugar about a week ago. I took one of the beans out of my extract, blotted it dry and put it in an airtight container with about 2 cups of sugar. It smells amazing and tastes delicious. It will be wonderful for dusting cookies and cupcakes with. It’d probably taste good on just about anything that needed a bit of sweetening up! I plan to make more a few days before I do my goodie trays (which are not New Years treats instead of Christmas because we’ve all been sick and I just can’t do it right now) to put in pretty bags with ribbons for others to enjoy, along with their own little bottle of homemade extract.

So, I took some pictures of the recipe process below, but not every step. I’m going to trust that you people don’t need me to illustrate basics. I made an unprepared attempt to take a fancy shot of the finished product..

Note: When you see **, you’ll know its a key part of the directions, so if you want to come back to this later, its easy to skip through.

Cinnamon Vanilla Cinnamint Hot Cocoa –

What you’ll need:
- Large Sauce Pan/Pot (heavy bottomed if possible)
- Whisk
- Measuring Cups & Spoons
- Vanilla Beans (I use Bourbon-Madagascar)
- Water
- Milk (Whole is great and can always be diluted. I’ve also used heavy cream and nonfat in the past)
- Sugar (Granulated)
- Cocoa Powder (Unsweetened.. preferably Hershey’s)
- Peppermint Extract
- Cinnamon Sticks (/ground cinnamon/sticks & fine grater)
- Vanilla Extract (optional.. unless you don’t have beans in which case you get to skip a big part of this process and you can actually substitute it for vanilla flavored coffee syrup)
- Peppermint Extract
- Whipped Cream (optional..? I use Peppermint Whipped Cream.. Safeway almost always has them on BOGO)
- Candy Canes (I suppose its optional, but not in my book!)

So.. **slice down the middle of each bean and cut them in half then before adding them to (how many depends on personal taste. I LOVE vanilla beans, so I used about 3, but again, they’d been used once already. I would probably only use 1/2 of 1 bean if it were fresh) **2 cups of water in a sauce pan or pot. Bring it to a boil for 2 minutes, stir a bit to make sure the beans don’t char. (I’ve never seen it happen, but….) then **drop the temp down to medium-low (4) and let them simmer with the occasional stir until ya get down to about 2 tablespoons of liquid.

**Add 1c of milk and turn your heat up a notch to medium-high (7). Use a whisk and don’t stop. When the milk starts to “smoke”, just before boiling, turn it down to 4ish, keep whisking and add in 1/2c + 1T unsweetened cocoa powder. (I use Hersheys.)

A lot of people like their cocoa to be rich and packed with a lot of chocolate. I, however, (aside from being allergic to it..) like it more mild. Its enough chocolate to taste like yummy cocoa, but its not overbearing and allows the amazing, aromatic, full-of-flavor vanilla to shine through and even allows a hint of cinnamon from the sticks. Besides, you’ll have a chance to add more later.

**When your cocoa powder is thoroughly whisked in, it will be thick, keep workin’ that wrist and blend in another cup of milk before tossing in 1-2 cinnamon sticks. (per desired flavor.. you can actually skip this step completely by putting anywhere between 1/4-1tsp in with the cocoa before you add it or grate cinnamon sticks in.. but heck, if you’re looking for semi-homemade its far easier to grab 1 box each of peppermint & vanilla hot chocolate, mix ‘em and be done with it. lol..)

**Add another cup of milk (keep whisking..) and bring it just to a boil. Now, drop it down to low ((git loooww git looww.. lol.. song lyrics popped in my head for some reason.. hmm.. hahaa!) (I have a ‘melt’ option on one burner, if you do as well, use it here), **add your 4th cup of milk and continue to stir (don’t forget you need to be stirring along the whole bottom of the pan) until its just barely steaming.

NOW you can give your arm a rest. Shoulder hurting yet? Mine sure is! Let the mixture stand for 10 minutes before removing the cinnamon sticks.

**Jack the heat back up to medium-high (7-8) and get your arm working again. (You may want to switch for fear you’ll tone one side without the other if ya don’t.. lol) **When its back up to a boil, whisk in 3/4c sugar and continue stirring for a minute or two so that the sugar is well incorporated. **Add 6 more cups of milk and bring it back to a boil.

This is the time for taste testing. **Should you decide your cocoa is not chocolatey enough, drop it down to low (2ish), grab a small sauce pan and put 1.5c of the cocoa into it. (Pause a moment here to remember that no cup of cocoa is complete without either marshmallows or whipped cream AND a candy cane.) **Turn the small burner up to 6ish and whisk as you bring it to a boil. When its at a rolling boil, add more cocoa. I suggest adding 2T if its close to chocolatey enough.. if you find it extremely bland and overly sweet add 4T. If its not sweet enough either, add the same amount of sugar as you do cocoa powder.

(The Hershey’s “Perfectly Chocolate Hot Cocoa” recipe actually calls for 2T of cocoa and 2T of sugar per cup! That’s CRAZY if you ask me.. I think, even my husband, who is a chocolate lover to the max (ie 70-86% darks) would think 2T per cup was overkill and probably just to make people buy more. I used 9T in 8c and ended up adding another cup of milk in the end.)

**Turn your large burner back up to medium and continue to Cook and stir your small pan for 2-3 minutes before combining it together again. (I always slowly pour it in while mixing then dip a bit out and swirl it to get all the goodness out.) **Cook 2 more minutes and lower it to simmer.

Last, but certainly not least, **we add our extracts. I add another teaspoon of vanilla (told ya I if you love mint, feel free to add up to a full teaspoon, but I strongly encourage you to do it in small increments. Add 1/2tsp then 1/8tsp at a time until you’re happy. If you have a dropper for your’s, it’s a lot easier I hear! (I will get some eventually.. I should considering I make extracts now.. hmm..ohh huubbbyyyy..??)

Tip: Never handle your extracts near an open flame – especially mint.

**Enjoy!

1-5

1 wish: bliss
2 friends: Tami & Crystal
3 loves: Keith, Kenneth & Avery
4 favs: makeup, shoes, music, Dr Pepper
5 things you never leave home without: my phone, spare doses of my meds, smokes, lighter, at least 1 Screamin Energy tab.

I need to move some place where its Summer all the time..

Sometimes I really feel.. I don’t know. I’m not sure how to even explain it. I just feel like I can never get it all right. I can’t seem to accomplish anything. I guess the word is inefficient. I just can’t get a grip on routine or time management. I plan, I write lists.. but, it all just goes to hell. I so wanted to be a better wife and mother.. a better person than this. I need mania to come for a visit. I have had zero energy since Fall hit. For months I’ve been just.. BLAH.

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The Making of How-To

I spent a few hours in front of a mirror styling my hair. Not because I’m vain either! Hahaa..

I’ve been working on a new blog/business/website for a couple months as ideas surface and time allows. The actual business/main topic of the site will remain a secret until I take it live with a grand opening. (Although, I may let my friends have a sneak peek ahead of time.) Its something I’ve wanted to do for several years. The blog will have sections for how-to & tips, fitness & food, fashion, reviews & news… etc. So, when a few hair ideas came to mind this afternoon that I think (hope) people will find new & fresh, I actually took time out to toy with them and go where it took me. Hopefully, if it works out, I can get someone to model for the occasional hairstyle (its not the main focus) because my arms hurt so insanely bad right now its unreal!

Anyone that has known me for longer than a couple of months can vouch for the fact that my hair, when long, is usually in a sloppy knot.. and that has to do with the fact that my arms are extremely weak from the Fibro. Having my arms raised at all, let alone above my shoulders, about kills me. But, those same people would hopefully agree that I don’t let Fibro hold me back without a fight and, while it may take me longer, I do accomplish the things I set my mind on.

While I was going through these styles and stopping to take pictures for step-by-step instruction, I would lean my elbows on the counter while curling and had to switch hands often. When I couldn’t switch and leaning against the wall didn’t help, I had to drop my locks and sometimes that meant starting the style over. So, while it would have probably taken a “normal” person 1 hour or so, I spent 3. But, at least that tells you how serious I am about my venture! (It may also tell you that I haven’t slept in 30 hours and Adderall is a horrid time-thief..)

Wish me luck!

Talk about a DAZZLE-ing Shoe Ornament!

Okay, I couldn’t post pix to the shoedazzle fb wall, so I’m posting them here and linking over. I swear this isn’t a plug for my blog.. esp since it isn’t really a blog at all. I just wanted to share my beautiful little tree trinket.

PS.. I www.shoedazzle.com & Ian Dazzle is a super helpful.really nice.very cool…ROCKSTAR! Thanks again! Muahs!